Personal Restrictions
My mental health has tanked over the last few weeks after my return from my holiday in the states. It was extremely nice to be back in Colorado after being away for so long, but I think the biggest thing I missed from home was the sense of community.
At the moment I just feel inexplicably lonely. It's been hard for me living in London when I'm so far from my friends up north. I rarely see them and it's clear that it has put a bit of pressure on my personal regulation methods for maintaining mental health.
If it's any consolation I've been jamming out to music from my teenage days, which is usually correlated with the level of dread and angst I have.
I've got a few events to look forward to in the coming weeks, but in the interim it feels like a circular rotation of feeling hopeless with feeling like things are going to be alright. I'm trying to take things one day at a time but it can be difficult when there's so little going on but so much to do.
The majority of the dread and anxiety I feel is surrounding the lack of full-time employment. I've gotten into a habit of sitting down in front of my PC and mass applying for jobs that I am most certainly not going to get; and when I do get invited for interviews, I am often up against such strong competition that no amount of preparation will get me to where I want to be.
I've imposed a rule on myself over the last 24h that, going forward, I am only allowed to apply for a single job/PhD each day. It is simply soul-destroying sitting all day applying for jobs and PhD positions knowing full well it's likely a) not my best work and b) a moot point with how shit the job market is. I can spend as much time on my PC as I'd like, but I cannot let this consume myself any longer. When I first ditched social media on my phone, I replaced it with social media on my computer, before slowly losing interest to the point I access it biweekly to check messages from people now. My goal is to do this with job applications - while it's important for me to keep applying until I find a full-time position (or two part-time jobs that cover my existence), I cannot be drained of all drive from this effort alone.
I cannot change the job market. I have long accepted and come to terms with the fact I likely will not get a job in the field I've been working so hard for. But at least making this decision will allow me to spend some time touching grass and pursuing (free) things that bring me joy.
I want to connect more with the community to reduce this isolation I feel. I am not sure where I want to spend my time just yet, but I've been looking into it. I think maybe now is the time to get involved in helping out with a Scouts group, or finding an LGBT+ charity to work with.
(nyt vÀhÀn suomen kieli)
Viikkoni on ollut produktiivinen mutta myös nautittava.
Lauantaina poikaystÀvÀni ja minÀ kÀvimme Saint Albans.ssa. Ajoimme maatalouskaupaan ja sitten kaupunkiin. SÀÀ oli huono, joten söimme lÀmpimÀn lounaan. Söin sieni- ja juustovoileipÀ ja join vanilja chaita.
Sunnuntaina ja maanantaina tein kotitöitÀ ja kÀvin asioilla. SÀÀ parani ja paisto aurinko.
Tiistaina vein Olmon elÀinlÀÀkÀriin. HÀnellÀ oli tapaaminen kello kahdelta, joten kÀvelin elÀinlÀÀkÀriin lounaan jÀlkeen. Se on puolen tunnin kÀvelymatka. Tarkastuksensa meni hyvin. Olmo oli tosi hyvÀ kÀytöksien. Viime viikolla, Olmo oli sairas. HÀnellÀ oli vaikeuksia hengittÀÀ ja oli sairaalahoidossa kolme pÀivÀÀ.
Until next time...
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