Missing the mark
Not to dig myself into a hole of self-pity, but I certainly will admit that today wasn't the best start considering this was the first thing I read this morning once I turned on my computer:
While I appreciate the sentiment of the email, the whole "one of the top applicants" is a fancy way of saying "we thought you were good, but you weren't good enough.
A vast majority of my life I have spent feeling like I am always just shy of hitting the mark in terms of being good enough for the people around me. It's like there's this secret that I don't know about that has always prevented me from getting to achieve the things I set out to do.
It just makes me question a lot about my ability to perform and I just wish people would give me the chance to show that I am a stronger candidate than the applicant pool. On top of PhD rejections I am still having to contend with the fact that my permanent position at my new job is restricted to 14h/week, so it is by no means achievable for any sense of financial security. It brings in some degree of income but certainly not enough to cover my ever-looming student loan payments that are resuming next month. I've been applying for other part-time positions but haven't really gotten much in the way of success outside of a few faulty interviews that I bombed because it's been two years since I last made latte art and I somehow managed to spill steamed milk all over the counter not once, but twice, for a customer.
In terms of productivity, today's been great. I've achieved a lot of things I've put off and managed to get some fresh air since the weather cleared up midday. I'm in a clearer mindset than I was this morning and I feel it's pointless to wallow in the feeling of inadequacy, but I regularly find myself struggling to balance the tightrope of allowing myself to feel, process, and experience emotions while not letting them become all-consuming.
Being autistic sucks sometimes. But hey, at least I know an obscene amount of knowledge surrounding animals, amirite? ...Right?
Until next time...
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