Conference Conclusions
As I type this, I'm on the train back from Newcastle heading to York so my partner can pick me up from the station and drive me back to Harrogate. The entomology student forum/conference ended about an hour and a half ago and I've begun to process the events of the last 48h.
Realising I absolutely could have presented my work irks me...just knowing this was a safe space to present work in a nonjudgemental way makes me furious. I had a spot guaranteed and everything. It didn't have to be tangible or polished, it just had to be an example of work done in the lab, and I really felt like I could've made a unique impact for something not seen outside of the world of general entomology. Obviously this goes without saying that it isn't the end of the world, but it's been more of a "completing the circle" type deal to tackle my emotions first hand and realise it is absolutely valid that I feel this way. Giving myself the space to feel it can be hard at times as I don't always feel like it's practical or even necessary, when in reality it actually is.
It was weird hearing Matt talk about his time in research from an outside perspective, honing in on persistence and innate curiosity being the key traits to a successful career in research. Knowing the realities of how he made me feel within the programme compared to what he said on stage was confusing. I felt that my enthusiasm and curiosity was met with backlash, almost like I was reprimanded for being my true authentic self. I felt that for a large portion of my studies was spent fighting the feeling that I was back in middle school being treated differently for speaking my mind and showing excitement over things others found uninteresting (shout out to that one miniature bookshelf I was hellbent on making in workshop much to the dismay of the teacher that wound up being a total flop...12 year old me was overly ambitious).
I wonder if a lot of it comes down to my self-image, or if it's truly the vibes I was getting. I don't know if my enthusiasm was something that hindered or enabled me to get the most out of the time there - I'd like to think it was the latter; but there's this level of resistance I felt during my time in my MSc that made it seem like I was always going to be that kid, that student, that researcher. I felt like I was going to be stuck being the person that others didn't want to collaborate with due to my nature. Is it a bad thing that I've wound up that way? Is it even the case, or is this just how everyone feels?
I wish there was a therapist who understood researchers at a fundamental level because I know therapy can only do so much when you've got to explain the nature of how research works to someone who's never been in a lab before. I'm sure there's some former parasitologist-turned-psychologist out there.
Overall I left feeling a lot more hopeful, relieved to know there's passion in the field still. I feel rather low down in my hopes in comparison to those around me and it was so heartbreaking to see that I felt that way in a world where others were well supported. Reflecting on this feeling I decided to scrape the surface level and reflect on the last year and a half of my time. It made me realise that a) my enthusiasm got me where I am today, and I thrived when I was my true self b) there's always going to be people around me who don't like seeing me be myself and c) Going back to retrace the steps I've worked on to personally improve myself isn't a bad thing.
I've worked extremely hard in my adulthood on improving myself and my journey to get here wasn't easy. I'm thousands of pounds in student loan debt I will never pay off, have a shit relationship with my parents, don't speak with my extended family, have been through hell and back with medical procedures, sexual assault and an abusive ex-partner and am still somehow standing; and that doesn't even scrape the surface of my life. Constant moving as a child, the feeling of having to be your own parent, lack of community support, growing into a body that isn't yours, the constant underlying knowledge that on paper you look like an ideal person but in reality people get tired of you after the novelty wears off. There comes a point where you're just exhausted and need a break from it all. Everyone keeps telling me to "just keep applying" and "just keep looking" - but my god, how do you manage that balance of enjoying life when all that's in the back of your head is the looming threat of finances, lack of career progression, and the feeling that you're being left behind? Matt talked about making sure you time the jumps between each "carriage" of career progression, but what happens when you miss the jump in its entirety and get ran over by the train in the process? I've already done this so many times in my life and the only way I got out of it in the first place was to essentially start from scratch, pack up, and physically move away from it. I haven't necessarily been running away from my problems perse, but there is an element of removing myself from the situation to allow myself to heal that's been fundamental to my core being.
I know I am an immensely strong person for getting through what I have in my short life. I mean, I'm only in my mid-twenties and standing with enough life experience to be a pensioner. I am most proud of that trait in myself. My life up to this point has only allowed me small glimpses of good, with hardships in between, and I still manage to get out of bed each morning to eat breakfast and take my meds. I find joy in things others do not and my heart is dedicated to the creatures in this world that are unloved. Nobody deserves to feel the way I have felt for so much of my life and I want as many beings to know that they're not alone in life. The pain and anguish I have had, and the comforting solace my rats provided unconditionally, was proof enough that all creatures are worthy of love.
The conference was well worth the trek up to Newcastle. I almost didn't go last minute because of the whole thing surrounding my poster and research supervisors throwing me under the bus made me feel like I was an utter complete failure, who is never going to make meaningful impact. I've made lovely connections and do genuinely feel like people out there want to pursue research because they love what they do. It's just a matter of being persistent within the system and doing what I've always done best which is being persistent. As much as that gets me into trouble with people around me to the point that I'm absolutely not the most popular individual within a group, it has helped me filter out the people that aren't worth my time. The people I choose to surround myself with value me for my enthusiasm and passion. It's such a hard push-pull dynamic feeling like you have to balance it all. I'm authentic to a fault but I think this fault is mainly due to the fact that others don't want to be confronted with the realisation that things are the way they are.
It's one of those things that people neglect to mention when you've always lived a life thinking outside of the box. As a child I was often shoved into a box, made to conform to things that weren't me, and I got in trouble a lot as a result of my persistent nature. I can't help myself, I really can't. My bullshit detector is off the charts, I often recognise patterns before I formulate tangible evidence and I'm constantly seeking to understand why things are done the way they are, and more importantly how they can be improved. I thought this was a key skill to have in the world of research, but a lot of scientists can be extremely rigid. I get it, I'm rigid in my persistence and hate the fact that perfection is something expected of everyone yet rarely feasible. How can you conduct research without being open minded...y'know?
I don't know where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to do. It seems the universe doesn't really either. I've always had to be the one to figure it out on my own but nowadays I have a little more support from those around me (doesn't help me get a full time job, but hey, that's a problem for later me). The constant tugging of my desires to be in control of all situations without letting others in can be hard to fight. I felt guilty bringing struggles up at the student forum during the Q&A panel session, but I've been trying to be transparent because I know that others around me feel the same way. It's so important to talk about these things not because I want attention or sympathy (in fact, I don't want either of these things. I want people to just acknowledge that I've had a shit go and confirm the feelings I have surrounding it all are valid) but because the more these are brought to light the less of a recurring issue they'll become for everyone.
nyt vähän suomen kieli
Tänään menin autolla Yorkshireen. Liikenne oli erritäin huono.
Until next time...
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