Career Reflection
It felt like my world came crashing down Monday afternoon when I got an email from my previous supervisor's supervisor saying that a) the data I collected over the summer had some errors b) the research is being repeated by my supervisor c) it will be published under his name, not credited to me whatsoever and d) I can't present any of it at the conference I got invited to present at in the first place.
For context, I finished research in August. I have heard nothing but radio silence for months. I emailed them several times to keep in touch, and heard nothing back. And to make matters worse, they cc'ed in my MSc programme director into the email chain, who historically isn't a fan of me.
It feels like a shot in the chest not to have my supervisor even remotely bring up the concerns with me until months after. I had such little foresight, and to be met with such beat-around-the-bush attitude was disheartening. I've been sitting with this feeling for a few days now and I still feel quite crap about the whole ordeal. At the present, it feels like everything I have been working towards has come crashing down, and that I am not going to get anywhere in research. I can't even get past job interviews, let alone the guidelines to a research publication.
I've been fighting an uphill battle for the last two years desperately trying to prove myself in the world of research, but it's clear that I am not welcome. I have consistently been met with people who do not value me, people who do not like the ideas I bring, and people who will always select me as the second-best choice. It's so upsetting because I have worked tirelessly to find where my passions lie, only to be confronted with the fact that I simply am not good enough for the world of research.
The conference I have been invited to present at is still going on, and I am more than welcome to attend, but I have such little faith in it all that I feel I won't even enjoy myself. It sucks. It really sucks. I don't want to see students in their BSc, MSc, or PhD shining like stars in the field I can now only dream of experiencing. I guess I was lucky enough to get into obscene amounts of student loan debt to pay for an experience that they're given. But I know if I tether myself off, far away from the world of research, I am losing all the things that I have worked so very hard for. It often feels in my life that I only get glimpses of what life could be, of what life is for the lucky ones in life. I get to dip my toes into discovery, processing samples in a lab, doing writeups, collaborating with colleagues - but it's all temporary, it will always be temporary.
I am losing the things that bring me joy, and it hurts.
I so desperately wish that those in the world of research could recognise how they've made me feel, but it's hopeless to try and make my thoughts heard when it's clear that hasn't gotten me anywhere historically.
I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself.
I'm trying to occupy my time and space with things to keep me engaged, but I hate the constant reminders around me that I'm likely going to be stuck at a job well below my qualifications, in a career that doesn't let my brain grow, engage, and develop.
My graduation is next week and I don't even have the desire to go. Everyone else will be so happy, so successful. My parents won't be attending anyways - not like they wanted to. They haven't gone out of their way to see me in any capacity since I moved out of the house at 18, I always have to be the one to make the effort to visit. I'm sure I'll be met with "oh we wish we could be there" and "we are proud of you". They're hollow words echoed throughout my life.
I'm applying for two more PhDs over the next two weeks, and if I don't get it, then I am throwing in the towel. Honestly, with how everything has gone, it's clear that the universe is screaming "you don't belong" in the place that I so desperately want to belong.
At least for the two days a week I'm at the shelter, people value me.
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